I hate feeling like I'm alone. Like there's nobody to catch me if I were to fall. I hate the feeling of spending my friday nights cuddling with my blankets. I want a warm body there to comfort me when I cry, and laugh with me when everything is going alright. I need someone that I can hold onto when the rollercoaster is going downhill, or when the bad guy is creeping up on the good guy in a movie. I want someone of my own that I can kiss any time I want to. I want someone who will always be there for me in a flash. I need someone to tell me that they love me and mean it. I need someone who needs me. I want someone who wants me.

I'm sure every single girl out there has felt this way at one time or another. For me, these feelings are becoming more and more frequent. However, I'm not desperate. It's frustrating to know that the person that YOU know you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with... already found their "one and only"... and it's not you. It's frustrating when you want to kill her, but also want nothing but for him to be happy. I believe in the statement "if it's meant to happen, it will". But if I feel it's meant to happen, but never does, does it mean that I've lost my chance at destiny?


It's hard not to be lonely when your sisters and friends are going out with boyfriends while you're at home with your parents and little brother.

How can you look at me like that, and not tell me that I'm the one you want to be with?

How can you touch me like that, and not tell me that I'm the only one you want to hold?

How can you talk to me like that, and not say that you love me?

How can you be so close... yet so far away?

so in my last entry I talked about hanging out with this certain someone, and we hung out and it was amazing. However, yesterday morning he came to me in the hallway and was like "the last time you and I hung out... my girlfriend got really mad at me. But I still want to hang out, wanna do something next weekend?"

wtf? lol. why would he tell me that? and furthermore, why would he still want to hang out if he knew his girlfriend was pissed about it?

I've come to realize that if he keeps this behavior up, I will be the reason for them breaking up.



..lol

There's no doubt about it. I love him. He smart, funny, talented and adorable. He can always make me feel better and he gives the best hugs. If I had to chose someone right now to spend the rest of my life with, it would be him. I feel safe when I'm in his arms. He gives me butterflies. I love him... and it sucks. We're hanging out this week after school at his house.. without his parents home. I don't know whats going to happen. Probably nothing.*shrugs* maybe something?
I want him to break up with his girlfriend... now. is that so awful?

man. I'm a whore.

2007 was a great year for me. Probably the best year of my life thus far. There were so many good things that happened... and of course there was bad. But this year, the good overpowers the bad. yay! My friends are the best, my family has its downsides, but is still awesome, I'm doing really well in school, I know what I want to do for the rest of my life.... everything just seems... set.

yeah. I don't know about 2008 yet. I actually have no idea what kind of year it will be. Hopefully it'll be as good as this year! *crosses fingers*

well... goodbye 2007... goodbye best year of my life..... goodbye

So the beginning of this week was pretty much the worst thing ever.

However, Wednesday was amazing =D it was the concert and ti went pretty well, and Dan was there, and most of the time he was adorable, and the other part of the time he looked wicked scary (he played the grinch). And Friendly's afterwards was amazing. OH and Eric trieu was there too, and he was also adorable. Man, I love adorable guys. OH and Thomas was there too, yet another adorable guy... even though he got a hair cut =[.

So we're still doing the Wizard of Oz... oh well. I decided that I don't even care what musical we're doing anymore. Just as long as I have my friends with me, I'll be just fine =]

Tomorrow is going to be incredible. gina's mom decided to be amazing and pay for gina and I to go see The Nutcracker, which mary jo is in, tmorrow at symphony hall. it'll be AMAZING. and then I'm sleeping over her house. =DD

So I'm pretty satisfied with life right now.

hm.. if I could only get my hands on Dan.... too bad only EVERY OTHER GIRL wants him. lol. whatev.

I'm going to go to bed nowzzz =]

later gator

<33 xoxo

HEY! Welcome to pick on Mary week when you can pick on Mary all you want and she just has to stand there and take it!!

...but seriously though. this week has been the worst week is a long time. First, the steelers lost against the patriots... which was wonderful. Then, we didn't get a 2 hour delay on Monday, unlike EVERY OTHER SCHOOL in Massachusetts. Rawr. Then I find out that we didn't get the rights to do Mary Poppins and we are now doing The Wizard of Oz.. which is going to suck balls. Gina is probably going to get Dorthy while I'm probably going to get Auntie Em or something like that.

fuck this, man. Oh.. and my Aunt kathy is completely crazy and needs serious help.


so pissed and don't want to deal with anything right now... so fuck homework! I'm watching harry potter ad the order of the phoenix. whatever.

It's a shame that the only kiss that has ever truly meant something to me, is the only kiss that didn't mean anything to him...

Never reveal your true feelings to the guy you love.


period.

Okay. So Sarah's pissing me off right now. I just read her new blog on myspace, and its pretty much her whining about how she hates being at home and how she can take care of herself and BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. She just really needs to shut the fuck up. seriously. She acts as if she has this HUGE FUCKING burden at home. You want to know why mom and dad ask for money? BECAUSE THEY DONT FUCKING HAVE ANY BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY PAYING YOUR FUCKING PHONE BILL!!God fucking damn it. You want to know why they ask you to drive siobhan to school some days? BECAUSE THEY'RE BUSY MAKING MONEY TO SUPPORT OUR FUCKING FAMILY. Sorry if we're FUCKING RUINING YOUR LIFE BY ASKING YOU LITTLE FAVORS. Stop fucking whining about everything and making everything so fucking dramatic. You make everything about you when it's NOT. I'm sorry if sometimes I need rides when nobody can pick me up. My god, I'm so sorry you needs to GET OFF YOUR ASS and drive ten fucking minutes down the road. And you know what?? don't fucking hate us because you're so selfish. You're a fucking idiot by staying overnight at victors house. He doesn't want you back. MOVE ON! GO TO FUCKING COLLEGE AND MOVE OUT. Don't waste your time and money with a guy that doesn't love you when you could be making a better life for yourself. All we ever did was fucking love you and you just push us away because we ask that your home when we fucking wake up. I'm so disappointed in you and the person you've become towards the family. You're fucking weak and you can't admit it. You think you can live on your own? well guess what? you can't. Its just who you are. You NEED someone there. You aren't as independent as you think. You know what? I don't fucking care if you're there on Christmas or not. I haven't forgiven you for missing thanksgiving and I don't know if I ever will. I'm just so fucking pissed right now and I'm pretty much bawling my eyes out. It sucks you're so selfish. Do you know how much I've given up in order to spare mom and dad money? I'm not going to Montreal in april with all of my best friends because I don't want them to have to pay for it. I have turned so many friends down for hangouts that include money. I HATE asking them for money. You act like you're the one suffering in the family when you have no fucking idea. not a fucking clue. You don't have to deal with any of the shit that goes on because you're never home anymore. I wish victor never fucking existed.

MNocera0388: i was lookin at your pics
MNocera0388: and i realized
MNocera0388: you look at look older than 15
Miss Mare Bear33: I look a look?
Miss Mare Bear33: oh man
MNocera0388: DAMMIT
MNocera0388: *a lot
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: hahaha
Miss Mare Bear33: but yeah..I actually get that a look =]
MNocera0388: ahh now you're makin fun of me
Miss Mare Bear33: =] ohhh I'm just teasing



MNocera0388: i'm all outta love, i'm so lost without you


MNocera0388: hey
MNocera0388: that cd
MNocera0388: amazing
MNocera0388: thanks
Miss Mare Bear33: =D
Miss Mare Bear33: i'm glad you like it
MNocera0388: now that 3rd song...
Miss Mare Bear33: which one is that?
MNocera0388: the one you said "kudos if i know what it is"
Miss Mare Bear33: oh like, if you remember why i would put it on there
MNocera0388: yeah...
MNocera0388: i know the song
Miss Mare Bear33: don't remember, do you?
Miss Mare Bear33: haha
MNocera0388: i know the song...
MNocera0388: shining star by the manhattans
MNocera0388: right?
Miss Mare Bear33: mhm
MNocera0388: now... can i have a hint as to why its there?
MNocera0388: pwetty pwease?
Miss Mare Bear33: hahahah...i dunnoooooooooo
Miss Mare Bear33: =]
MNocera0388: pwetty pweae wit a cherry on top?
Miss Mare Bear33: haha aw
Miss Mare Bear33: hmm... i'll think about it ;-)
Miss Mare Bear33: =]
Miss Mare Bear33: hm...welll...
Miss Mare Bear33: i'll give you a hint
MNocera0388: pl
MNocera0388: *ok
MNocera0388: wow... i can spell
MNocera0388: i promise
Miss Mare Bear33: uhm. the situation that led me to put this song on the cd happened the day before my play
MNocera0388: before your play...
MNocera0388: let's see
MNocera0388: you were nervous
MNocera0388: and i talked to you?
Miss Mare Bear33: mhm
Miss Mare Bear33: anything?
MNocera0388: may i phone a friend?
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: haha...its too bad this question isn't worth a million dollars.
MNocera0388: it might be worth a million dollars to me
MNocera0388: life line please :D
Miss Mare Bear33: hahaha what kind of lifeline?
MNocera0388: uhh...
MNocera0388: im a friend
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: so do you want me to just tell you?
Miss Mare Bear33: lol
MNocera0388: that works too
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: haha, well what did you have in mind?
MNocera0388: i'm guessing i said something to you that had to do with "shining star"
Miss Mare Bear33: hahaha score
MNocera0388: yes?
MNocera0388: HAHAH I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: hahahaha
Miss Mare Bear33: that can be your prize.
Miss Mare Bear33: you get to be king of the world.
MNocera0388: haha yess
Miss Mare Bear33: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: congrats.
MNocera0388: :D
MNocera0388: matt = smart


MNocera0388: hey mary
Miss Mare Bear33: mm?
MNocera0388: i haven't told many people stuff that goes on in my house... so whatever i tell you, would you mind keeping between us?
Miss Mare Bear33: completely
MNocera0388: i know his actions may be wrong... but he is my dad... and he did raise me
Miss Mare Bear33: I know.
Miss Mare Bear33: and I completely understand...don't worry about it
MNocera0388: thanks
Miss Mare Bear33: I'm glad I can be here
MNocera0388: its nice being able to talk to someone besides max for once

MNocera0388: hug?
MNocera0388: *hug*

MNocera0388: never give up on things too soon, but don't ever hold on to them for too long
Miss Mare Bear33: wise words master Noce
MNocera0388: lol
Miss Mare Bear33: =P
MNocera0388: master noce...
MNocera0388: yes grasshopper


MNocera0388: iite ttyl beautiful

Miss Mare Bear33: so how was your day anyways?
MNocera0388: hm
MNocera0388: it could've been better
MNocera0388: but alright i guess
Miss Mare Bear33: well at least it wasn't all bad
MNocera0388: nah
MNocera0388: talking to you is good

Miss Mare Bear33: he says I'm flirty, seductive, a tease, and mysterious and I beg to differ
MNocera0388: flirty... seductive... mysterious.. yes
MNocera0388: tease? i don't think so
Miss Mare Bear33: hahah...thanks?
MNocera0388: lol
MNocera0388: its a good thing
Miss Mare Bear33: haha...I never thought of myself as flirty...then i asked my friends about it and they're like " Mary...you're so flirty" and I'm like "uh okay, no."
MNocera0388: you are
MNocera0388: not over the board
MNocera0388: but you are
MNocera0388: and that's good... guys don't like girls that are too shy, nor do they like girls that are too flirty
MNocera0388: you found your balance

MNocera0388: when we do hang
MNocera0388: first thing i'm making you do is hike with me
MNocera0388: there's this really nice hiking place up near rhode island
MNocera0388: and the view is amazing
MNocera0388: great place for camping too
MNocera0388: the view is worth is... and the water fall is great
Miss Mare Bear33: so that sounds like a good time...as long as I don't die
MNocera0388: lol you won't
MNocera0388: i promise
Miss Mare Bear33: cross your heart?
MNocera0388: and hope to die
Miss Mare Bear33: stick a needle in your eye?
Miss Mare Bear33: haha
MNocera0388: scouts honorr
MNocera0388: lol

MNocera0388: g'nite beautiful



I miss him so much =[[

. . . SOOO much.

Sooo I'm supposed to be doing my english reflection that's worth 20% of my first quarter english grade. HA. pretty reeedick. I have so much on my ming that I can't really concentrate, so I though "HEY livejournal is always fun=DD ".

So this weekend was pretty sicknasty.

friday- no play practice, the FBI wouldn't let us. . LOL. I went out to eat with sami, laurel, and joe. Joe is the most adorable gay boy I've ever met. I just kind of wanted to put him in my pocket. That sounds creepy, but I don't mean it in a creepy way I swear. Then I went home and attempted to watch the Departed with Sarah, Lauren and Siobhan. Yeah. I lasted about 10 minutes into the movie before I passed out. I was so tired.

Saturday- legit woke up at 2pm. Completely reedick. But, I woke up with my period. YAY. So then I was curled up on my couch in the fetal position trying to get my mind off the pain and letting the motrin I took settle in. Gina called at around 3-ish and asked if I wanted to sleepover, and OF COURSE I did =] So she picked me up and we went to her house. We had sicknasty pizza for dinner while her parents when out and then her mom rented movies for us. One of them was about this group of teenagers who had orgies every Saturday night. . . it was pretty much the weirdest thing ever. The movie was just. . . weird. and the kid from phil of the future was in it. He's adorable.
And we also watched The Producers, which is always a good pick. Katie called me while we were watching the producers, but it was okay because Gina was on the phone with Ian anyways.

Speaking of which I am SO PSYCHED for next friday night. It's the jr/sr costume ball, and I'm going with Katie. She's being the devil, I'm being an angel. It's pretty much the best thing ever. =] and then she's sleeping over, which will also be amazing.

"If i had a nickel for every time I saw that turtle, I would have 4 nickels"

. . . hahahahaha. I love that.

Ugh. I should probably get back to my english reflection. ew.

xoxo

Man, I love the fall. Pretty much all of the worst experiences I've ever had in my entire life have taken place during fall, but I still love it. It always smells good outside and I never feel gross from the heat and humidity, because there is none. I love all the colors that appear on the trees. It just makes me happy, content, and satisfied =]. So I guess I'm in a pretty good mood. I finished my homework and already did the dishes so I have nothing to do until bedtime, and it's AWESOME. Well. . . I am a little stressed about tomorrow after school though. I have to somehow master the art of being in three places at once. great. I have to be at chem for a review for the test I'm taking after school tomorrow, I have to be in chorale to learn the new songs, and I have to be at play practice and get the blocking for the first act. Should be a good time.

So my gandpap died on October 5th =\. There are still some days when I don't believe it. I took a picture on my phone of my grandpap's chair. . . the one he's ALWAYS sitting in while he watched the price is right or some western movie. I really do miss him. He was always the quite one in the background, but my whole family loved him so much. This is the biggest devastation that has ever come to my family. When my gramma cox died I felt bad, and I do miss her, but I knew my grandpap for an extra 6 years. I'm really not sad for myself. . . I'm sad for my grandmama. She doesn't have her Babe anymore. The man she's been sleeping next to for the past 54 years is gone, never to return until the end. I can't even imagine the kind of pain and loneliness she must feel sometimes. I'm just glad I have a HUGE family to keep her company on the road to recovery.

I hated missing school and I really missed my friends last week while I was in Pittsburgh. It was hard not to be with them when I needed them most. Of course I talked on the phone with Katie and every once in a while talked to Lauren,Gina or Beth. . . but it's not the same as having then there. I was so happy to be there on Friday to see everyone. It was awesome. Katie slept over Saturday night and it was really just what I needed. And for the irony of it all, I want to name my first child Keisha ^_^


AAAAnd this weekend is going to be GREAT because on Friday I'm going to g's game and then we're going to fright fest afterwards =]] and then she's sleeping over, and then Saturday morning we're hopefully going shopping at the Holyoke mall. Then we're going to the movies with sammi and caroline to see Across the Universe. Theeen saturday night I'm hanging out with Chaaadddyyy! Hurrayy. So that should all be a good time.

PSAT's tomorrow. I'm actually excited for them. . . is that weird? I really do think I'm going to do alright on them, at least I hope I do. I did well on the ACTs last year.

So the play is going well, I guess. I'm really excited for it though. It's so much fun. aaand I think i get to kiss dan dumas, who plays my husband, and I'm TOTALLY psyched for that =D.

Eh. I'll write more later if I feel like it.

So yesterday my mom made me stay home with Liam because he's been getting these awful migraines and such. . . even though he didn't get any yesterday and just played video games all day. . whatever. So my day only really got better once Lauren came to pick me up at around 7ish? and we went to D&D and got some goodshiz. We actually didn't stay at D&D and talk like we usually do, but that's okay. Her car kind of started smoking while we were waiting for the light to change on wilbraham road though. . . which was kind of all bad, but it turned out to be sort of okay. We went to burger king and she got some fries. . . and then we both got wicked hyper haha. Especially when we got back to my house. Ben was there with Siobhan. (Sidenote: I think she's rushing it and being a complete hypocrite about PDA) They're cute together, I guess. I can't help but be jealous. I guess it just kind of sucks to feel alone =\ I have my days when I'm fine and I feel on top of the world and completely independent. . . and then I find myself in a room surrounded by happy couples, and then I just sort of want to dissapear. I make jokes to make myself feel better, and it helps. I hate it when people say "aw" or something of that nature. . . whatever maan. The thing is that I'm not really even into anybody in particular right now. I have some people in mind, but nobody that I "can't stop thinking about" or anyone that "gives me butterflies". FYI I am NOT going emo, and I am a very happy person, you hear me? HAPPY. Fo real.

I get to see Ian on Sunday. Me = :DDDD

I'm not in the mood to write anymore.

I'll most likely write more later.

I have to admit, life has been pretty good. With school and everything. I'm doing wicked well in all my classes and I haven't gotten any grades lower than an 80, which was on a Spanish test so that's okay. I love most of my teachers and I actually LIKE CHEMISTRY. Weird huh? I thought I was going to hate it, but miss catelli is awesome and i couldn't ask for a better teacher for chem. G and I are still wicked close and we have quite a few lunches together plus a whopping two classes! I hate that i don't have any classes with mary jo or beth though =\ But we have the drama club, so it's okay. Annnddd Ian is coming back to visit next weekend =D! I'm so psyched, I've missed him so much. . .

Tomorrow Gina is playing at the Big E on the main stage for a half hour and I'm gonna be there for every second cheering her on. She's gonna do so well! I bet a record label is going to ask her if she would sign with them. that would be sicknasty.

Sooo I have a now have a big black man teddy bear twin, Brandon. He's pretty much the coolest black guy evar. We text all the time and he's wicked funny. We totally think alike too, but he's not gay, I swear haha. He works with lauren at the friendlys on wilbraham road. I love that place. it breeds cool people. The first time I really talked to brandon was at rena's party that I went to with lauren and john. It was pretty much the greatest night of my life... it needs to happen again soon =]

I love how if one of my friends is having a bad day, they call me. I'm not being sarcastic here because I really do like it. It shows how much they trust me and think I'll make them feel better, which I hopefully do. I wish they didn't have bad days though =\ Ah well.

I hate how friendships fall apart =\ It just sucks. Especially when you never did anything wrong. . .arg.

I took the test to be on Jeopardy today. . how sick would that be if I got on the show? I'd actually laugh so hard haha.

Only two more months until Mark and Erin and Mickey move in =DD I can't wait for all my friends to meet mickey, they'll adore her fo sho.

Gah spanish homework. SCREW YOU STELZER!

Last update almost a year ago?!?! wow. I kind of forgot about livejournal for a while. Well, heres a SUPER NEW UPDATE!

The summer of 2007 is almost over *tear*, but this has seriously been one the best summers of my life.... and the worst at the same time. This summer has been full of hangouts, sleepovers, parties, trips, and overall good times. I know I will never forget the summer I turned 16. It has been the most memorable. I've made new friends and lost none. I have gained self confidence and for the first time in my life I feel truly blessed and happy. It makes me look back on my emo days in 7th, 8th, 9th grade, and most of 10th grade. I kind of laugh at myself now for saying some of the things I said and doing some of the things I did. I was... ignorant and selfish. I wanted sympathy, so I'd pretend that things were worse for me than they really were. Most of the old journal entrys were "life sucks! poor me!" and blah blah blah lol. I was waiting for someone to save me from my uneventful and pathetic life until I realized that only I can save me. Of course I needed help from my friends, but I just really needed to change how I looked at the world. Love used to seem so far away to me when it was looking me in the face. This whole renovation for me happened this past spring. I got rid of the people and ideas in my life who were bringing me down and made me feel like I was worthless. Sophomore year will be known as my turn-around year. It is the year that I have felt the most lonely, and the most loved. These two extremes that help me see both sides of life. This year I received my worst GPA ever and my best GPA ever. I went from wanted to dye my hair black to dying my hair blonde. It really crazy how much I've changed for the better. I'm still the same old Mary, just with a better attitude about life. Woot.

So. let's talk about the sad things about the summer =\
This summer my heart was broken again. Not like THAT, but damaged nonetheless. My brother Sean left to go to Iraq mid-July. My brother is putting his life on the line for our dumb ass country. I just want him to be safe... because I know I would fall apart without him. I just want him to grow old and have beautiful children with a nice girl that he loves. He deserves to live long and I pray to God that it happens. My best guy friend, Ian Joyce, who is one of the main people who helped me through the hardest time of my life, I found out at the beginning of the summer that he's moving to Virgina with his mom at the end of the summer. He's actually there now. He started school today down there, which really sucks. I have so many good memories with him. I was the one who got him and Gina together. Right now Gina and I are just trying help each other cope with the distance between us and Ian. It's been really hard and school won't be the same this year without him. God, so many good times with him. I love him so much. he's such a good kid... he doesn't deserve this at all =\. He's such a big part of my life... *sigh*

I found out yesterday that one of my best friends of all best friends... is dying. I... I can't even comprehend it. It's almost like it's all a bad dream, you know? When this person told me I had an outer body experience. My stomach dropped and my eyes welled up. It was one of the biggest shocks of my life. The doctors told my friend that they didn't expect my friend to last through high school. I can't tell you what's wrong with my friend, or who my friend even is because this person told me not to tell anyone else. Even this person's own mother doesn't know.
I... I almost don't even know what to do with myself. This person has been there for me unlike any other and has stood by me though thick and thin. This situation kind of reminds me of A Walk To Remember, when he find out that she has leukemia. This person wants me to just live life normally and not treat this person any differently... but how could I not? Knowing that I only have God knows how much time left with this person. I can't imagine life with out this person. I've been on the verge of tears constantly for the past few days... trying to forget and just not think about it, which really isn't possible at all. I.. I can't even talk about this anymore.

so that concludes my update on life.

p.s. I've decided to join the peace corps if the whole acting thing doesn't work out for me.

I'm full of regret
For all things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face 'round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear

Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

Your just innocent
A helpless victim of a spider's web
And I'm an insect
Goin after anything that I can get

So you better turn your head and run
And don't look back
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
2. Go to Google.com and search for that word (under images).
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures (but don’t tell me the word).
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.